Stagnating in the desire to find the perfect partner who will satisfy all our love desires and make us happy, leads us to fall into traps that generate suffering that, ultimately, perpetuate our unwanted loneliness.
The myth of romantic love
“Once upon a princess … who fell in love … He was a really charming prince and I understood that he was the man of my life … Nowhere in the world is there anyone like him …” He begins to sing: “Maybe very soon Now, my prince will come and we will never say goodbye…”(Transcription of the Spanish version of the 1937 Disney film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
The myth of romantic love whose ultimate goal is happiness achieved exclusively through a perfect love relationship, is part of our Western cultural social imaginary and it is difficult to escape its influence. In fact, if we have this myth unconsciously incorporated into our thought system, it will automatically function as the benchmark for weighing potential candidates for our partner’s position.
The candidate’s tests
And when this calibration system is put into operation, it launches into our thinking evaluations similar to these, focused on:
- Disappointment: what if this isn’t it? He’s nice, he has qualities, but there are some things that don’t convince me and make me doubt. There are so many attractive men out there that I think the one I have chosen is not the one for me.
- The forceful rejection: Ah, no, this is not it. It is already the second time that he responds to me on WhatsApp two days later. He only is concerned about himself and I don’t care enough about him neither. There are things in which we do not fit in and I do not have to put up with those disagreements.
- He should: Well, if he was really in love with me, he should have realised …, or should have known that …, or should have had the detail of …, or should have done …
- Immaturity: It seems that he does not know what a relationship implies, that he grows up and behaves like an adult, that I am not here to act as a father or servant, or as a cop, or as a nursery school “boss”.
Are these valuations (with their possible combinations and variants) bad? No; They could be perfectly suitable for certain people and in certain circumstances.
However, if they appear in our mind systematically and lead us to make, each time, the decision not to give one or another candidate a chance since the applicant has something that will force us to have to adapt to it, they may be over-activated. and boycott our need and desire to have a partner.
This lack of predisposition to accept the other with their failures (within limits, of course) may be hiding our own difficulties to function in a relationship: lack of confidence, fear of emotional intimacy, excessive narcissism, low self-esteem, tendency to taking responsibility for the problems of the other (savior complex), internalized homophobia …
Colors Sitges Link Emotional and Psychological Support Service
The psychological assistance service helps you to show cognitive, emotional and behavioral information, to know and manage from more useful approaches for you to better understand the precious, important and delicate bond that involves being in a relationship.
Juan Carlos Uríszar,
Registered psychologist of our association.
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